Every time I seem to get in to my groove with this thing, this creature, this abomination at times called life, I seem to have that familiar smack to the face come up and hit me again. Well you know what? Fuck you life. You and the horse you rode in on.
Friday, the 27th of July, 2012 while at work my phone rang. It was my mom. No biggie. She calls regularly and I wasn't doing anything at the moment.
In only what can be described as the heart broken soul voicing its ugly head through the voice of the person it inhibits I hear; "Eric. We lost Doug this morning. He's gone".
In 2004 my otherwise healthy brother had a seizure. Never before has anything like this happened to him. Testing revealed a tumor in his brain. It turned out to be cancer. It is now 8 years later. The battle is over.
You know it's coming one of these days. Even when the finality of 4-8 weeks is given you sort of expect, maybe it's hope, for more rather than less. He made it a week later after that time frame was given. I'm glad he didn't suffer "too long". I'm mad as hell this happened to him.
We're all handed beat downs in life. Maybe you lose a fight. Maybe your 95 year old grandpa dies. Death is a natural part of life. It's a cycle. But what we all never fully prepare for is having to watch our parents bury us, their kids. And not just one, as is the case in my family. Nope. I've lost two brothers now. My mom has lost two sons. Neither made it to 40. Why? My mom's mom lost her two sons. What curse did we step in to? Who did we wrong for this to happen? While I'm sure that isn't the case it sure makes me wonder.
I'm the last one standing. I'm the oldest. Why? Why am I left? These are all questions left unanswered. I'm sure I'll never know. It can be exhausting trying to answer these questions. I don't have the care left in me anymore. I'm the one in the family that joined the local volunteer fire company and served my community for 21 years. I've seen things and done things that are crazier than Jack Nicholson looks in One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. My career path has me on the road every day. I moved across the country away from home. Yet I'm the last one left. Yeah. Fuck you life. You make no sense to me.
I don't know how to deal well with these kinds of losses. Being Mr. Firefighter all those years has obviously skewed me somehow. I think it's the auto brick wall to block bad things syndrome. It's just normal after years of first hand personal death and destruction witnessing. I feel bad that I don't feel as bad I should. I mean, I feel bad it just doesn't get to me like every one else. I'm sorry Doug. And fuck you life.
Wednesday, the 1st of Aug. I found myself exhausted. I could not get going or find energy even if I had paid for it. This is something I've never experienced in my life before. This level of exhaustion was totally new.
The viewing was Tuesday afternoon and evening. People whom I grew up with, known since the 7th grade and prior to came. I saw people whom I haven't seen in decades. I was exhausted Wednesday. Thursday morning was even worse. Time zone change, stress, all this... blargh!
I'm so burned out on death. Nanny was a year and a half ago. My brother last week. My other brother in 1999. Please, no one else. Not for a long while.
Fuck you life.